This week the University of Newcastle has announced that it will appoint a contract as the new Deputy Vice Chancellor (Academic). The contract, which somehow managed to outclass all human candidates for the role, is a binding agreement between the University of Newcastle and Wolfram & Hart Attorneys at Law which outlines the outsourcing of the Schools of Biology and Physics within the Faculty of Science at the University’s Callaghan campus.

Opus understands that the agreement will see a significant amount of practical and research output from the Schools flow directly into some kind of morally dubious, supernatural biotechnology project that has been pioneered by Wolfram and Hart’s Los Angeles division.

“The University of Newcastle is well-known for streamlining services across its campuses, and this is the logical step in making the transitions necessary to meet our KPIs”, said Deputy Vice Chancellor (Outsourcing), Ronald Coase. “We are proud to be maintaining our status as a top 3% university in terms of relentless, cumbersome departmental restructures.”

“First, we started with blended learning and online tutorials; now here we are,”  Coase stated in defense of the contract’s appointment. During the announcement, the University also revealed  their 2070 Strategic Plan for the institution to exist completely in the cloud. “Like in The Matrix,” Coase clarified.

When asked for a comment on the perspective of staff, a representative from the NTEU who requested to remain anonymous responded that “the document speaks for itself”.

The contract, in typical University of Newcastle fashion, remained silent when asked to comment.